In my small group we recently came across a study on the qualities a deacon of the church should possess. There were 20 in all and pastor Tim challenged us to look at ourselves and come back with 3 we felt we needed to work on. Later he sparked a fire in me from a simple challenge he made where he threaten to send this list to our wives and let them decide what we needed. I thought what a great way to see how the world see me. So I took the list and gave it to a few people , some family and some not and there was a common thread amongst them. Little did I know of the journey this would take me on. I have an issue with controlling my temper and am very sarcastic. I know from my education that anger is a secondary emotion for mostly hurt fear and disappointments. So I am writing this prayer to see where this rage from within comes from in order to surrender it to God.
Where oh where does it's strong roots lie oh Lord? In the whispers and cries heard by a small boy of how a man might approach him at school and tell him he is his real father? Or how that man never really wanted him in the first place? Lord does the rage come from the sick acts of a man in a mall bathroom when the boy was just but 8 or 9 or from the betrayal of the only person he shared this with causing two Boy Scouts to taut him and reenact the same a few months later? Does the bitterness come from the doubt of coaches in his abilities, only to have them all say they were wrong later? Show me Lord and take the Rage from within...
Does the rage come from not living up to others expectations? Or from the constant bad decisions and the pain they caused? Does it come from the misinterpreted criticism from a father whom did not think the boy wasn't good enough but rather didn't want him to settle? Does it come from the company which he emerged his loyalty in only to be tossed aside for money sake? Does the rage come from a father who was taken too soon do to a doctors oversight? Search my heart Lord..
Why does the man daydream about someone doing him wrong and then killing this person? Could the man actually kill? Where does this hate and rage come from? Are your blessings not enough for me? Am I that hardened that I can not show grace after receiving grace? Take from me this rage this day Lord that I might be able to serve you.. let this be my prayer.. Amen ...
This prayer was written a few months back at the beginning of my journey. By just being still and listening to what God was trying to tell me I have been given a perfect understanding of where the rage lies. See I have lived a life that some or maybe all of us live at some time, feeling we at not enough. Not smart enough, not fast enough, not tall enough, or just not enough. Trying to live for others expectations is a no win situation. I wrote earlier on the hard way but now I realize that it was the hard way because it was the easy way. I took the short cuts in life like got the job before school and now pay the price. I quit trying at baseball because someone told me they didn't think I could make it. I have let people set my value all my life. This is where the rage dwells.. in the bitterness of feeling not enough I have been holding...but wait there is a happy ending.
You see God's plan is perfect..as we were to watch a video of Andy Stanley in my small group, the leader could not find it so had to settle for another speaker,which none of the group was interested in, however the Holy Spirit said Jeff today will be the day you understand. As the speaker went on he was writing things on a mirror of how we struggle with feelings... fear, disappointment he wrote and went on and on ( like this post).. then he wrote " Not Enough" he said have you ever felt not enough in your life? Those words ripped into my soul and exposed me for all to see and I wanted to scream " Yes Yes..that me!!" The speaker said you have always been just enough.. you know when you became just enough?? I thought tell me tell me!!! He said you became just enough the moment Christ died for you on that cross...........
A wounded heart placed in the hands of love..... never again will I let another define my worth.....Christ has made me " just enough"... and the rage that was a fire I am still working on it and still struggle daily.. but I know my value.....
Psalm 139: 23-24 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
peace and thanks for listening............
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